I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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