Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
