y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
