Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
