Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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