I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think i have two assholes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
