that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
