im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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