Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
