Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
