I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
