i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
