DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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