she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
