mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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