Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
