What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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