There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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