he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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