Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
