brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
