Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
