things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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