With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I touched a dick in church today
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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