I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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