I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
