I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
