dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
