Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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