I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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