Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize