sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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