I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize