All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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