I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
