I want to walk on stilts...naked
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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