I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
