Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
