If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
