what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am available for nakedness
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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