i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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