i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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