my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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