I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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