Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was like eating out sand paper
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
