just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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