Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
