My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
