True but thats because hes a fetus.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize