i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
