Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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