FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hippo gnu deer
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We need a shit load of segways right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
