I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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