Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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