please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
