I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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