Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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