Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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