You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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