used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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