I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
