I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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