I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
