I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
