Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
