and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
