I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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