I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
