So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize