We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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