if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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