Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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