I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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