I feel great
I just peed on a car
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
