Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
